Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in kendra's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
3:31 pm	Cuba Si Cuba SI, Bloqueo NO (by me) I went to Cuba the first time, bending forward hoping for a glimpse of a better design. I’d read and heard from Assata Shakur, Che’s Journal, Malcolm’s welcome into Harlem. Whether it be Fidel’s declaration of a socialist nation, overthrowing the rich, and giving the land that was taken back to workers forsaken, or constitutionally banning discrimination, or guarantees of primary to college education without payment, I knew I had to see what this socialism could be —to put solidity to the challenge we face here and give credibility to an idea we’re taught to fear. Reading of free healthcare left me seething while thinking of US women bleeding with no insurance but a pregnancy nonetheless occurring, doctor’s heads turning because her skin color was caramel and her hardworking life lacking wealth,---her and her child denied access to health--- Talk about basic human rights One Cuban woman, Carrie, looked at me with outright horror, saying, “You have to pay how many dollars for your life?” Every minor or major hurt, every sign of illness, every birth, whatever preventative care, or the slightest dental care, covered as a basic human right, no cost and no insurance fight. Cubans don’t have to just see if that major cut gets worse to be able to pay the rent by the first. Though our government stands determined to ban all trade on medical aid, Cuban doctors invent new ways to get around determent and power plays. And still fighting on, more Cuban doctors are bound to international treatment---real help guaranteed when AIDS in Africa leaves men, women and children deceased while many are preventable deaths, yet the U.S just left a minor donation, the most inhumane nation puts a price on lives, while the Cubans turns eyes anywhere they are needed, from Venezuela to Zimbabwe, from South Africa to Haiti, the list is endless. Brigadistas saw firsthand a ten year span of struggling after the Soviet Union's destruction, our cruel blockade strangling, hopes of the revolution dangling, US threats putting into jeopardy healthcare, education and equality. In the midst of that wall, Cubans built a medical school open to all, even U.S students, denied by our system the education wristband for access to training in medically aiding. They became students of medicine because the Cubans let them in with the promise of serving in poor neighborhoods, all deserving, but nonetheless aching in the wake of this money-having notion of U.S education. We visited a hospital for the mentally ill where crafty projects decorate window sills. No bars on their souls, nor medication drilling permanent holes After all, many were still part of Cuban society, working jobs and raising families. These differences I witnessed created my political wish-lists. Since Reparations were given when rich men had bidden a hasty goodbye, while our country still basically denies that slavery even existed, while racism and greed persist as a capitalist cyst in a murderous system. We were there on July 26, a day of Cuban bliss and firsts, at a political rally, children even assert their dedication to the revolution, spinning complex webs of solutions Seven year olds made speeches that rendered us speechless, we pondered our own weaknesses, now seeking resolve in speaking this. It's been important to take all this home, to attempt to re-write a lifetime of wrongs. We openly display our rights to see this, hoping to reclaim our freedom with these trips, So we fight the source of imperialist mentality to force our country to let Cuba exert its sovereignty, In hopes that one day we can follow Cuba's lead toward revolution and international peace. CUBA SI, BLOQUEO NO. (Comment on this)
3:29 pm	Venceremos Hi, I’m Kendra Guild, and this 35th year anniversary Brigade was my fourth trip with the Venceremos Brigade to Cuba. The Venceremos Brigade is the oldest solidarity organization with Cuba in the world, and though the Brigade has changed over the last 35 years, as has Cuba and the rest of the world, some aspects remain the same. This 35th Brigade represented one of the most important parts of our history- it was extremely multi-racial, multi-ethnic, young and older (we ranged from 16-73 years of age) and we came from all around the country- from NYC, NJ area to Philly, DC, Maine, Denver, parts of Kentucky, Oakland, LA., San Francisco, Seattle, Atlanta, and more. And we all came together in Cuba, looking at another system, another way of seeing the world. And it definitely wasn’t always easy, though like the Cuban Revolution has shown us, finding ways of dealing with the obstacles and the divisions coming out of our society unite us around these common goals we got to flesh out through finding out the truth about Cuba, the Cuban revolution, and our own society here in the states. Our three main responsibilities as Brigadistas are to go to Cuba with an open and ready mind and find out the truths they try to keep from us in the US, return to the United States and share those truths with the US people, and to fight back against the immoral economic Blockade, and the unconstitutional travel restrictions. The Brigade has always been characterized most by working and living side by side with Cuban workers and students, visits to schools and hospitals, historical sites, and our many meetings with various groups and people such as the Federation of Cuban Women, the head the Trade Unions, Representatives of Student Groups, Committees in Defense of the Revolution, Teachers, Combatants in International Struggles going on in Africa, and all around the world. One of the highlights of the Brigade in the past few years has been meeting with the families of the Cuban Five- true heroes in the real fight against terrorism who now face life sentences in the US. The Venceremos Brigade hopes to work even more closely than before with the Free the Five Committee, and make that battle one of the main priorities of the Brigade until they are freed. And they will be freed. We believe that one of the motivating factors in the huge crackdown on travel in the past few months that outlawed almost all University travel and inhumanely denies Cuban Americans from being able to see their relatives more than once every three years, is that so many US people want to travel to Cuba, and so many people have, and are beginning to see how much of the US govt’s slanderous propaganda against Cuba has been entirely false. In the case of the Cuban Five, our government has worked to keep US people entirely ignorant of the case, and in this way, strip them of their rights, and hide the principles of their cause- the protection of the people of Cuba and of the US. In other cases, they have spread horrifying lies, and cemented these lies by outlawing travel. Just recently, Bush came out and said that Cuba and Fidel promotes sex tourism. This vicious lie is meant to justify the domination our country has imposed on the Cuban people, the US people and people all around the world. But we won’t let them. If there was anything we witnessed in Cuba, and saw proof of everywhere, it’s that if there is a privileged group in Cuba, it is Cuban children. From the literacy campaign, to the present “battle of ideas,” that is renovating every single classroom in Cuba, the free education to college level, the promotion of leadership in youth groups, the access to free healthcare for every child and adult, the ever-decreasing and impressive infant mortality rate, the guarantee of food and care no matter what the economic status of the country itself, and from the direct interaction with so many children ourselves at the camp, at the school we worked at (and Cuban children, on a whole, are some of the most outspoken and articulate children I have met!), we have seen so much that blatantly contradicts the lies they persist in telling. And this is true of almost all areas of Cuban society that have been unjustly and inaccurately portrayed- we encourage everyone to see Cuba for themselves. On one of my past Brigades, we were able to visit the Latin American Medical School, which Cuba built during their hardest economic time in the 90’s to provide free medical schooling to students in Cuba and all over Latin America. In the last few years, Cuba has even invited US students from under-privileged areas to come, fully hosted, and get a medical degree, with the promise of returning to practice medicine in under-privileged areas around the US. One of Cuba’s main exports is doctors who have gone as volunteers to many countries in Africa, and Latin America, and now to the US as well. So, even during their most difficult economic time, which was a result of the US blockade, Cuba is teaching us and showing us internationalism in its highest form. The new restrictions on travel have also outlawed fully-hosted travel, which initially meant that students could no longer go to the Latin American Medical School. People questioned, and protested, and now we believe that the students are once again, able to attend. While the Venceremos Brigade has never requested a license to travel to Cuba, last year was our first open travel challenge. As with this year, we informed the press, and all the authorities that we would cross the peace bridge from Canada to the US as form of collective civil disobedience against unjust laws. This year was special because we were joined by the African Awareness Association and Pastors for Peace, who crossed on the same day in Mexico. We were greeted on both sides of the bridge with rallies of support, and the border crossing went smoothly. We were given forms to fill out, much of which we refused to fill out. The press coverage was unprecedented- there were articles printed in every major US newspaper with the exception of the NYTIMES! We have heard that we, along with Pastors for Peace and African Awareness Association, will be receiving letters from the Office of Foreign Assets Control. We hope to somehow collectively respond to these letters, and we are really hoping to build a lot of momentum around this, and the illegality of the restrictions. We hope to double the numbers of the Venceremos Brigade Travel Challenge next year, and Pastors for Peace, and invite you to join us in any way you can. We are already accepting applications. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 9th, 2003
10:20 pm	this is addictive now that i have papers to do, and i can't seem to start doing them, i keep wanting to write in here. sex is such a strange thing. in the beginning of the year, i used to talk about it constantly. i had metaphors, and analogies, and all sorts of connections to make. " a lot of women don't orgasm because...." (god, i just finished this entire pack of starbursts in about a minute- another thing i do when "studying") what's objectification, and how do people reclaim sexuality when it's been all kinds of fucked up? What are acceptable parts of attraction and what just feeds into those roles? Lying in bed wandering wonderings....funny to think it, but mad shit gets lost when the mood changes (or music or position changes- lost of loss in there too). i forgot half of my "so important" wonderings, and i thought i had covered ground (and make things amazing again or for the first time maybe in that healthy woman sort of way), and now i feel like i'm back at the beginning in some ways. and without even questions, where do you go? i'm just trying to distract myself- and you apparently have to suffer through it. nobody reads my journal anyway- i'm not sure why that bothers me sometimes and other times i'm rational enough to realize i've told noone (cause damn that's pressure when you know just who's reading)and none of my friends keep journals (except ahkai, sarah and alex who once in awhile bless me). another drunken party to go to tonight- ahkai's performing again. graahhhhh. yabble. radio's always fucked up on friday nights. telling me i should get my ass out, i guess. Current Mood: procrastinating Current Music: radio-blah (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:00 pm	always wanted to be able to freestyle god, some of kweli's rhymes are just crazy. and then there are even some artists who i don't particularly feel that much but have off-the-hook lyrics too. i kinda wish my lazy ass had gone to see the beatnuts that day (they fit into that category). was thinking of high school the moment i woke up. was thinking of singing real loud walking home, or the way busta's old cds used to make us feel. and dance. crazy bug out times. i wonder what dwight morrow's like now. i wonder who's fighting the good fight. i guess half of me is silently wondering what that fight is right now. my mother planted seeds, i think: "kids there just aren't getting the education they deserve," and tho i'll question her interpretation of 'good education,' and argue that i haven't really seen it yet (def not private school kids more than anyone else), i could easily say we never had enough books, never had computers, never had a day go by without some negative shit coming from the newspapers (that wasn't even true), never had more than a handful of teachers with enough confidence in students...but damn, look how incredible the fighting-back students turned out. so i have to wonder. we'll get peoples together and come up with something, i figure. wanna drive around for hours, wanna meet strangers, have "sports day," appreciate ahkai for hours, finally call holly- it's beautiful outside. and of course, mad papers to write. not that i can even complain. i'm really almost done. i talked to ray-ray yesterday- she's done with finals and graduating on tuesday. she sounded so good- the girl even got a job already too (yup, need to get on that)- makin things happen. and isaac's going on the brigade. the world is going to shit for real but we're gonna have some new young bloods fighting it. isaac says he thinks it's time for the movement- people are finally completely frustrated. even if just shit here at wes is some reflection of the country, people finally have to draw lines and decide where they're gonna stand. bout time. i need to be more active. bout time. some young blonde girl moved into my house. haha. figures- she doesn't even have to pay rent : ). my mom's too ridiculous sometimes....they grow a retirement fund off me and my brother. no hate tho. me and my mother are finally coming around. and honestly, i believe in them charging rent- it just seems like that might extend to strangers. but hell, if a woman needs a place to live for a couple monthes, she should have it so.. ten thousand details of ahkai to explore every day- i'm incredibly grateful. and the fact that he's equally interested in mine makes that hard to even concieve of. i'd call it luck but we work damn hard on that. and learning constantly. missing sarah on spring days. Current Mood: appreciative Current Music: it's been india arie for awhile now (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
7:16 pm	people can be so funny sometimes just a note about my livejournal reading addiction: it somehow makes other people's lives way too accessible. who knew there were politics to reading? there are politics to everything. i feel like women should take it upon ourselves to stop hating on each other. i really feel that way. audre lorde, professor ulysee, and a few other exceptional women in my life helped me to see that. i used to be a hater too, and shit, i'm real familiar with jealousy....but let's try to either be a little more rational about it (cause I do admit it's entertaining sometimes if not taken too far- helpful criticism is a fuckin beautiful thing- bring it on), or aim it at the right people. and now, of course, in the theme of things, i am leaving one specific jealous female a message on my own journal...don't you feel flattered for my attention considering i have never even met you? haha. she said my journal was "whining," which is funny considering.....I don't blast my boyfriend and his activities in my journal (nor could I even see a reason to) or create long dramatic stories about each single tear dropping and the particular life-history of them all. I try to keep it real....and if I haven't, I know the amazing people in my life who know me will let me know the deal.....and now she has interrupted even that process because I feel so protective and defensive of my "non-hating attitude" that I about-face and contradict myself by responding at all. Haha- that's life, I guess. I'm completely amused. if by saying "spoiled," she meant my privilege in going to this school....yes, i think i have talked about that. Private education is fucked up....I didn't have a real clue how fucked up until I came here. yikes, people should read for real (I talk about all this) if they feel like providing commentary. I'm always up for some healthy debate, as I've also said. I'm a funny sort of hypocrite sometimes....and yet it's real hard not to be a hater when people misdirect their shit. Men seem to fit into this design of accidentally or aggressively separating women, and I wish we could all attempt to make that shit better. All of us. i'm tryin, i really am. on the real tho, some shit just needs to be said. i need to think about where i'm gonna work in the fall. i'm gonna be waitressing this summer (cause of the brigade and two more classes i still need), but where to teach in the fall is still up in the air. ideally, dwight morrow, but since they are still attempting to shut it down entirely (we'll hopefully get on that when we we we all get home)and disperse all its students to all-white towns to "integrate", they, of course, have no intention of hiring. and naturally, the all-white towns around us are hiring- specifically english teachers. and i keep thinking about where i could be most useful. i could teach in the new york city public schools, who always need teachers who give a shit, but i am not real sure on my teaching abilities yet, and admit some amount of oblivion on the urban education tip. maybe i should test out my shit in the surrounding towns- teach them some much needed and curriculum lacking african american literature/history. after all, i can easily subvert the system there looking the way i do (i even look their age). and white people should be making it their issue to teach white people about racism, and fill in the serious gaps in history and literature in education. but while that's true, there are schools that need dedicated teachers more than them. and i feel as if i'm more familiar with the schools that are left without than the schools that have mad shit at their disposal. i'm hoping either one of my friends or i (better both) will run for board of education in englewood. these rich fucks from the other side of town keep getting people in office who are trying to close the schools so we need to get some better people in power. maybe then we can convince people that votes matter...that voices matter. i donno. i figure we all know the schools better than most people, and we're all gonna be back there soon (well, a lot of us). it'll be amazing to finally try. was tryin to convince sam of this. he's made for that shit- that kind of inspiration. weird quiet day. lack of music all day has done funny things to my system. need to write papers- coffeeeeeeee. crack. whatever. Current Mood: amused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:37 am	it was evening all afternoon This has been the longest day. It feels like the way my life used to feel when I was nocturnal, and my days were blurs and the nights just ran into each other. I remember forgetting daylight (getting all kinds of reminiscent). I hadn't gotten drunk in mad long. No, still not drunk, and yet even some wine changed my outlook tonight. They published my article with the wrong name: Kendra Ward, who apparently, from their little description, is a graduate student here. Liberal Arts Graduate. Hmm...no, I looked her up and she doesn't exist. And there was no way they messed that up by accident. They also cut out my call to White students to take responsibility. Another hmmm.... Another sigh. My name....my only mark here at Wesleyan...the only thing I wrote all this fucking time....and then I know it's important to stop whining and deal. All in all, the message went out, and as it turns out, either mad people had no initial clue what my last name was anyway, or they figured that shit out real quick, because I got props for the article and I think people were relieved that a White girl responded (finally) to another White girl's bullshit. I wish there was time for a debate. A few other friends wrote some real good articles too...sealing the ideological slaughter of Kristen Knapp, and hopefully opening up some serious discussion and ACTION next semester. Still relieved that my ass is gone though. There was a Precision party at Psi U tonight. I really meant to only go with Ahkai for the shortest possible time, to see him dance and talk to a few random people. It ended up lasting so much longer (probably not much longer really but shit, I told you it was the logest day), and though I got to bug out a little with people I never see (I never see anyone), by the end, I was in this strange, lonely mood again. And for no real reaosn at all. "You can go back if you want to," and then, "Just go back to the party," and his "Why do you keep asking?" and "Why do you think I'm here?" In my complete, page-turning jealousy of which I've sworn off on beautiful days when anything is possible [tonight it was twofold- performance itself (unlike all other performances for some unexplored reason) and the fact that he, unlike me, has a defined place there], I couldn't even settle into his side and piece the night together with him when we got "home." Wrote misinterpreted poetry between my thighs... [Random note: We hear this huge bang on my window, and I was about to fight someone since my rage at this place makes me irrationally suspicious all the time, but I look out the window and see this huge pink parrot's head right in my face. I had to check my sanity quickly and made Ahkai verify. We ran outside and sure enough, a huge fucking tropical parrot is sitting on my roof, looking all dazed from his little accident. All I could think was where did this bird fly here from in this cold ass barely spring weather. No, of course, my mind couldn't have rationally thought perhaps a neighbor lost a pet- I was thinking island escapee- and I still didn't quite make the connection when a neighbor came running out of their house asking about a bird. But they captured "Tweety (yes, i'm pretty sure she called the two-foot bird 'Tweety')," and he was probably returned to a three-foot cage. Just one breath of freedom. On my roof. I need to focus on something other than the coughing in the next room- I am really drinking a bottle of wine (ugh, wine) by myself while my car travels the streets singing to itself. And he's there too...and I think I don't know about next year and no lists are going to help that. I don't think I want help. I think I want the rug to stop curling in the same fucking places, and the be-easy's to seem easier surrounded by people. And I want guys to stop leaning in close to talk to me just because the lights are dim, and I want the DJ to not try to appease everyone while pleasing very few, and I want more women not to be so fucking hateful just because we're trained to think every other woman's suspect, and I want to be able to dance when the music moves me even if the off-rhythm of an entire room full of people makes the air quiver and shake. I want to remember the way he moves his lips when he knows he's being watched and remember that my noticing his details will always be important even when there's a party goin on. I don't know. Now, i just want to watch cartoons and drink my wine. And think, ti was a pretty interesting fucking day- my last day of classes at Wesleyan. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2003
11:19 pm	everything reflects on something lines get drawn. jesse gets off thephone because a conversation about hip hop made him "uncomfortable." he felt ok just getting off the phone without even attempting to just change the subject. why are people so goddamn afraid of the "uncomfortable? when did jesse start trying to hard to fit in with some law school preppy kids who see hip hop as some funy, petty little thing? what does he sacrifice to fit in? what do we all in making those decisions? i guess it's easy to blend for him, but how sad because all that potentially amazing inside stuff is lost in the dangerous dynamic of social crap. was it actually easy to give up that awareness? what's even left besides the rich boy talk, a few intellectually competitive comments thrown out across a fancy beer at a yuppy bar....? and then he was the one who threw out one purposeful comment: is it ok to just shed people? not my real peoples, not my fam types, but yeah, i guess it is. (Comment on this)
6:08 pm	finally man just finished writing my article- never ended up writing that paper so everything just pushes right back. classic. i'm crazy happy i followed through on the article. i think i covered everything that needs to be said, "white girl to white girl," and even a call at end for white people to take responsibility for shit that needs to change. my final words to wesleyan, i guess. eh, i'll write later. (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 4th, 2003
11:54 pm	buya been tryin to write a paper on women in literature during the mexican/u.s war for about seven hours and i haven't even started. sometimes i think that all the time i spend thinking, procrastinating and stressing should count as time spent on the paper. however, with not even a page done, or a book read, this is a hard-sell. grah, and now i'll even blah blah blah in here, and talk to people i barely ever talk to online to avoid this (no offense to all y'all i talked to- i love you guys). i miss my cat dammit. i've also been trying to write this article responding to this bitch who wrote some racist article in the argus where she complained about the "two-way street racism," that white people have to bear. the stupidity of her definition of racism really gets me. it's like she feels so fuckin heated about this issue when she hasn't even apparently bothered to figure out that racism is not the same as prejudice. it's an entire system, bitch, to which you are contributing passively all the time, and actively, right then in her article. she even says that saying "the white man has a god complex" is equivalent to "the black man is violent." can she read at least? does she know any history at all (goddamn, she pays how much to go to this fuckin school and has learned nothing??? what does that tell us about private education?) have white men been denied jobs, unable to buy homes, profiled, brutalized, and murdered (and so on) because of that "stereotype"? god, white liberal bullshit that goes on on this campus! she keeps going too, embodying so much of what i knew to be true about most white people here. not that it stops there, altho this place has this way of attempting to appear so damned conscious that sometimes it makes it that much more shocking. not surprised, but always shocked. anyways, i have two pages of blasting her, but it needs to be organized. i feel a lot of pressure to make sure i don't miss anything. i think it's crucial that a white person respond to her bullshit- black people are always put in the position of dealing with and then having to also explain racism. as if the racists themselves don't know racism and have to be taught.right. anyways, she's goin down. any ideas for a documentary anyone??? i've been floundering around ever since i got crazy blessed with a camcorder from my fam. i had all of these ideas (segregation issues in new jersey, black feminist ideas and discussion groups with women, "diversity" at wesleyan) but i can't really focus on how to go about any of them. i feel like my projects are always so fleeting. i get so worried about that being a theme even after i am finally done here at college. the continuation of the half-baked inspiration. i'm so amazing at beginnings, and so incredible lost in the follow-through. i make lists, create visuals, talk and organize and still, when it comes down to it, i back off. my past visited today...made me so aware that nothing is ever really finished. and i liked that. everything has roots and mine, though hazy at times in the daily details, make sense of everything. my insight into alex, who is such a significant and confusing part of my history, might have been important to him today, just as him knowing me makes me feel more secure about my actual changes. funny how backwards that seems, and how much sense those circles make. i found myself just appreciating this morning. and in doing that, i realized i barely ever remember to appreciate. i obsessed over possibly being really sick last month, and hardly appreciated my clean bill of health when it came. i obsess over whether or not ahkai and i can make it work next year, and forget to appreciate the single, exquisite seconds of completion i've been feeling around him lately- each conversation, and every place it takes us. i obsess over how many people i haven't met here this month and last, and forget everything i've accomplished or felt in the time in between. it's just sweet tasting to have these moments sometimes- maybe they'll carry me through the others. that's my new list for now. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2003
9:58 pm	as usual, a paper to do and suddenly i feel like writing something else i've been trying to get my memory back lately. i'm not quite sure when it first went mia on me. it might have started with having to remember too many fucking names (college really just seemed to present me with all these unnecessary-never-used-again names...ahh, drunken nights could mean hundreds), but graduated to not being able to recap people from high school that i was "close" to, and shit, sometimes what happened last week. and dammit, i dont' use drugs anymore. met this guy at the park the other day. reminded me of what it meant to talk to random people all the time. he wants to be a....shit, another thing i lost is spelling.....masseuse....damn, merriam-webster must be right but that looks funny, and i'm pretty sure he can't be a "woman who practices massage." Eh, whatever. i never had a point. i just thought it was interesting that he said that he learned how to give amazing "cream-in-your-panties (his words dammit, not mine)" massages by using E. i felt him on that. not the cream-in-your-panties part...holly used to say (she gets this category in my life- a guru or something) that different drugs and certain amounts of alcohol could definitely broaden her perceptions on conversations, nature, and her own mind-circles. it's strange how much i think about this woman who really only actually existed in my life for five days in california. i wonder how wrong it would be to put people on blast in my journal. i mean, shit, i should be able to talk about anything supposedly. i know mad people who (haha, i really was about to use the word extrapolate- you know i've been paper writing) go into great detail about people and drama in their lives. that's probably half the reason i've becomne so addicted to their journals. i am one of the unconditional nosy-ass people out there. it doesn't even matter if i've never met you. i just want to know. maybe some people would say that's curious. right. i'm in this weird mood. my entries are too long. but there's so much ground to cover. blah, i just got all nervous. i think i probably am more worried about misrepresentation than it's healthy to be. i never feel like i am not speaking for some idea, and the responsibility of articulating it right makes me feel close-mouthed and tired. yet, those rare moments when something is perfectly communicated seems to make all of that worth it. besides, i have always been exactly where i am from. i just have to find a way to make that mean something. that's what all the time since then has been. how do i balance that with all of this appealing self-development? it seems completely connected but even writing a goddamn entry seems to carry some weight. i don't make sense. read "caucasia." I was thinking about my flirtation with church last year. "Kendra, Holy shit, you joined a church?" Ahkai's mother is a minister, and I think that played this double role in influencing me to join, making me care more about it, and also scaring me away. Communists don't believe in religion, and my mother really said, "I would rather Kendra be a republican than join a Church." Haha. Those Crazy Reds : ). I see her point, and yet this Church, a Black Baptist Church with an incredible woman pastor, seemed to embody the best parts of spirituality, community, and the political aspects of faith. I think it was a little hard to grasp the Jesus part though. We'll see. graaaaaaahhhhh-----and they tell me i'm gonna miss college! right. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
5:55 pm	cracker jacks- was really mostly last night someone please tell mother nature to stop smoking crack (and my housemate too). People have some crazy dramatic journal entries. It's hard not to wonder if I sound like that too, and then, I make some attempt to make it more serious and I wonder if I try too hard. I definitely give way to much thought to these details. Stupid fucker neighbor has a "pro-life" bumper sticker on his car- another detail I pay too much attention too, and puts me in my half-sad, half-heated mode. And I had this nice conversation with him yesterday. I don't want to regret that, but damn. Two years ago, me and Jair spray painted over a huge-ass sign saying "Choose life, your mother did," that was on my way to work. I thought God was attempting to screw me, or just question me ( I gave "him" the benefit of the doubt) when I saw it. Instead of starting a neighbor feud (i mean, shit, i already have one waging inside the house), I started looking up info online about both movements. One woman wrote this article for The Nation saying that the "pro-life" movement has used language, like "pro-life" and "partial-birth abortions" to gain the supposed moral high ground. So the pro-choice movement has stepped it up. Thank God, cause today's generation is getting lost on that issue. Shit, I def get lost on that issue. On a much lighter note (what isn't really? tho this really is) sometimes I think all blondes look the same (i'm blonde too). Maybe it's just Wesleyan. I get so confused. I'm an idiot. "They" do all seem to sit together in class though. Just masses of yellow and white. I figure I just need to get out of here. No, not away from the dyed blonde-plague (well, hmm...) but away from this very specific way of looking at the world. Shit, I used to be a much nicer person. People just feel and act so entitled here, and attempt with all their private school language, and fucking annoying speeches in class (that go on forever with minute long dramatic pauses for the most mundane comments) to "portray" that politically active environment. On the real, there are some real cool people here. I just wonder if this environment can ever be that productive with who's in charge. Blah- forgot to finish that earlier. My mother left a really sweet message. It's strange to admit what an effect that had on my evening. Of course, I ended up getting really ridiculously emotional about my last decision not be jealous at all (which, of course, didn't go down so well), and we didn't finish talkng until 3am, which then, in my complete want for dramatic doom, I started thinking, "shit, if it always takes long nights and concentrated time for this to work, how will we ever make this work in the 'world'." Drama and doom, yes, i know. I usually like me less later. Maybe. I can't seem to decide to give this out. Current Music: dmx (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 20th, 2003
11:47 pm	i'd say blue if it wasn't so damn green suggestion of spring today. i got lost somewhere between morning and afternoon today. somewhere between his silence and my own want to talk after reading such an incredible book. i always have this problem though, with attempting to summarize or capture all the important written moments of someone elses moment. and i know how likely i could be to forget until some conversation in the future where it just happens to reappear. i'd prefer to skip the dead-thought time. warm graves and first rains or something like that. Sexuality was everywhere in this "biomytography," Zami, by Audre Lorde. Single suggestions to blatant explorations, she seems to want to bridge all the supposed "private" women-worlds. Intrinsic to that, she went to to task on "wommanness" and feminism, both Black and White feminisms. I've been trying to explore this a lot since last semester. Black feminism seems to be the only political movement that has embodied every inarticulated thought I've had politically and socially. And then some voice from class echoes in my head, "Can anyone be a Black feminist." No, of course not. But anyone can attempt to fulfill its goals of an anti-racism, anti-sexism, anti-homophobia, anti-capitalism/ imperialism. and as usual, the struggle is also to keep my personal relationships in line with this. so when ahkai asks me to go on stage for his dance in "invisible men," a celebration of black men, i see the complication and decide against it. but then, am i giving more power to my decision over his, and where in the end (there, of course, is no end) does this put us? so many contradictions. so we debated interracial relationships for a hours (the conversation has never, and hopefully will never, end) that night. differences between the sixties and now, black leadership, racism, and the battles of black feminism. i always wonder how any relationships can be outside of these ideas....i can't really fathom having one. and then once in awhile, i sit in the grass and am surrounded by the creations of my sixteen year old self, the beauty of life as a complete outsider. we are never outside. active even while being passive- that's the setup of the world. that's why the dan's of "amber and dan" is at fault by not reading the newspaper. i mean, shit, who has that luxury? and my sister has these incredibel ideas. how is she involved in a relationship where none of that matters? been shuffling around sexuality lately. tampering with past manifestations so common in women and trying to figure out, again, how to keep going and find it on my own. at some point, i realized that relationships could never define my sexuality. it might give detail, make for stories and evidence and shifts (like all of life), but no man could help satisfye those questions. when your body is written on, about, physically used, abused, and you are so consistently having to exist somewhere outside of yourself by image issues and gendered demands, how do you achieve something positive inside of that about sex and all parts of sexuality? one woman's work last year proclaimed that all heterosexual sex is a form of rape, of inexorable colonization. i made a few jokes to ahkai but wondered all the same. like racism is crazy apparent in every part of society, sexism plays out in every heterosexual relationship. i find it harder and harder to find me inside of all of it. and then, i look somewhere else. yak. hate that time between being tired and going to sleep sometimes. mad hard to settle into any decision. people to call, but always wondering at things to say. endless things to talk about, but somewhere my voice got blurry. always gotta be later, but then later, i'm real tired and the taste of coffee gets less and less okay. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 19th, 2003
10:20 pm	the first pressure Not speaking on the first pressure- running over it- flattening it in the today and the moments in between. I guess a lot of things lately and I think that's right. because I am stuck in this secluded little funny toy thing (Wesleyan) where one has the complete unrecognized luxury of time to think and think and think (here wondering if we'll/they'll ever do), I am constantly guessing because there are so many choices. a class on theory has me wondering if there can ever be justified action...this is the problem....i think i am going to have to UNLEARN college, and return to the basics when i start teaching. that will hopefully be in september. endlessly i travel the beginnings, searching out newness of interpretation, but finally, it all comes down to this year. end this fucking useless me myself. it's time to move. reading audre lorde today. novel that doesn't revolved around the exact same plot delineation- something wrong gets solved by some self-anaylsis. hers is a relationship-of-moments analysis. she explores the moments of her life- traditions, culture, sexual innuendos, physical and metaphysical experiences of womanhood. she isn't afraid. as prof. ulysee would say, she decided to take risks. only one life- and all the hours in between. all of that still scares me. i woke up breathing funny today and pushed him away in order to feel the air relax (wondering on womanhood, and sexuality being understood on my own). i was dreaming of too many people at once, making too many connections between them without thinking. kristy from work to my parents to sarah to allison and some of her friends (funny how peoples lives become related simply by meeting-funny how you all enter my dreams when i don't even see you in my todayreality) and then this completely unreal environment that i called "home" then. i can't seem to stop using dashes so often and i think maybe that's like my dream- constantly, nonsensically connecting just to feel whole, and then just feeling a little uncomfortable. in the communist party, they used to say "uncomfortable is progressive." i watched an extended family at the park today. i blended into the amazing non-wesleyan background and saw a mother with her child. such fear in water, in getting too close to those apparently frightening ducks, strangers, the street, a place unseen....so much communicated in a single tug or look or certain choice of voice. interesting what plays out in the lost looks. the ones that i can see, a complete or ostensible outsider. the ones i catch, play with, write about, make part of my written and unwritten life; the ones missed by those they were aimed at. i envy her touch, his touch. i think, in two days, what my life might have been like. i think that maybe, given everything going on in the world right now, i shoudl stop thinking about this so much. i think i thought that yesterday too. so strange at this point in my life to be an outsider. back to the basic writing technique. let's feign i am really old enough to be a teacher. old in every sense. or not at all. Sometimes it all makes so much sense. I was at Kmart yesterday, watching the shittiness of the relationships formed between salesperson and consumer. The disrespect seems so ill-aimed. While a teddybear played "God Bless America," you have the daily disrespect/discrimation singing from all of these consumer-lifestyle-daily-experiences. Who are they really mad at? The heads of big business who won't hire enough people, don't pay people livable wages, should really be held accountable for high prices/small aisles/lack of certain merchandise/lack of info in the register/attempting to rip people off in every way possible? Who should the salepeople really be mad at? And annoyance? What's the point? I realized at some point I was annoyed even though I had no where to go particularly, and there was no one directly to blame for the half hour on line. Yikes. Budget cuts in NYC eliminate even more teachers....and "Everyone is so happy the war ended quickly," despite lives lost, huge amounts of money spent, an Iraq that will probably be transferred from one dictator/murderer to another (Bush administration), and the rest of the world righteously angry at US policy (including US citizens). elaine brown, a former Black Panther Party leader said the next step is a movement for reparations, and obviously the present defense of affirmative action. i was thinking that a few monthes ago, and it got lost somewhere. how many of those thoughts just get lost in people? so fucking trained to forget. move on. here, at wesleyan, we pretend our thoughts are so important, but if they get lost so quickly, we become perpetrators of uselessness, don't we? i'm happy to be going back to englewood. Nas, Tracy Chapman, and India Arie. That's about right for today. attempting to find entirely new ways- need to erase some of my premises in this re-working. more on that tomorrow. or whenever it seems right. (1 Comment |Comment on this)